Letting Go

Hermann Hesse

Alright, so I goofed up. I blogged in the wrong frame of mind, and now I feel dumb.

All it takes to get over myself, though, is people.

People tend to make me see the true ass I am even when I am already quite familiar with her myself. They’re encouraging without even trying, and they tend to say things that make me wish I was someone else ALL THE TIME.

But, being moody isn’t something I’ve ever looked at (in myself or others) as being this gosh-awful, dreaded stigma that must be shunned, avoided, ignored, or smacked out of me (and others). Life isn’t a bowl of cherries and things happen. Good and bad things. When bad outweighs the good, sometimes frowning just goes with the territory.

I see nothing wrong with that, I’m sorry.

I do, however, apologize for casting my own dark cloud over others. That’s wrong, I know.

eeyor logicSo, I took a few deep breaths, kept my eyes closed, willed myself not to cry, and started reading others’ posts. They made me laugh, smile, and even go right back to shedding tears. Someone lived a parallel life to me and she shared it online. Yuck – how I hate looking back on those dark, dreary, and downright terrifying days of deception, infidelity, and terror of the unknown.

It’s over now. I’m moving on.

I also stopped writing my story. Again, I let my mind wander to a bad place. I have a very bad place my mind likes to run to on occasion, leaving me in the doldrums and unable to function the way I need and should. It makes me dwell, think horrid thoughts, and to doubt my own worth.

All it takes to escape is a sturdy shake of my head, to jostle that mind of mine out of that bad place, and then I’m slowly recovering and able to cope again.

(Does anyone remember a weight-loss pill called Corti-Slim? That stuff was amazing. Not so much for weight loss or control (though I did shed a few pounds) but for MOOD ENHANCEMENT. It became my happy pill. I don’t ever recall feeling that free, relieved, and stress free in my entire life. I adored that little blue pill (not the triangle variety) and then, like all good things that come into my life … it was gone. *Poof – off the shelves, nowhere to be found.)

I want that happy pill magic back!

I need to write this story! Doubting my writing ability kept me from even opening the file, though. I’m not good enough, I’m wasting my time, no one likes my writing, this is a big, fat joke. Bad things in a bad place.

What triggered this? Ha! I’m an idiot, that’s what. I said I wouldn’t browse online, read damning material meant to thwart my efforts, and read post after post about successful people living the high life on their free and easy road to glory. I warned myself not to go there and do that, but I didn’t listen. I forgot. And then it bit me in the ass. Again.

GOOD NEWS! I think. Well, I’m hopeful at the very least. While doing this no-no stuff, I came across an article on something called WoMentoring. It’s pretty cool. It’s a charity program with woeful folk like me in mind. These complete genius people who are light years ahead of me in every walk of life, to include writing, volunteer a few hours of their time to mentor poor, pitiful, useless members of society like me.

It’s freaking amazing! I was awestruck and read, re-read, clicked on all the tabs, categories, whathaveyou … and then I spent about 40 minutes trying to drum up the courage to go for it. I’m pathetic. I’m poor. I have no worth. My writing sucks. No one reads it, ever. I totally suck at sales and never dreamed I’d be forced to have to work in sales in order to survive as a writer, either, but there it is.

I totally fit this description! This is about me! ha Ha ha! Wow. It’s like a first, ladies and gentlemen. The first time in my whole life where there is a program of support aimed directly at someone like me. A FIRST, I tell you.

So, I carefully selected a mentor, followed the rules to the letter, and hit the SEND button in email form. Now, I have to wait to be rejected, or as they put it, passed over. Fear not, though! Even if I am rejected, I can go back next month and try again.

I hope my sob story was enough in 500 words to make the first cut? We’ll see.

Seriously, though, it would be wonderful if they picked me. Getting any kind of professional advice (for free) about my work is a dream come true. I know I’m old, I know I’m late to this event in life, and I know my taste and level of entertainment value don’t coincide with the rest of the world. I know that. I know I can be stubborn, too. But, this means too much to me to let such things stand in the way of progress and success. I am willing to change, bend, adapt, whatever … just not when it comes to adding shape-shifting and werewolves to my writing.


Fantasy, yes. Otherworldly things, sure. Even a vampire with a twist – I’m down for that. But, my style defines who I am. The way I write and what I write about has ME written all over it, and that, dear friends, isn’t something I’m willing to let go of or transform into something ‘highly marketable’, if you will.

Believe me, I’m happy now. I’m in a thousand-times better mood from this morning, when I woke up in tears, wondered why I was still breathing, and pondered the whats-the-points instead of the what-ifs. It isn’t often this happens, and when it does, it isn’t a long time before it goes away and I’m feeling much, much better.

Diet Coke helps, too. I was late in pouring a glass, so I’ve slapped my hand and issued myself a warning never to go there again (online).

Lastly … about this online marketing, self-promotion stuff. Like I said, I hate sales, I suck at sales, and I’m no good at convincing anyone of anything. It isn’t me. It’s not my style, and is beyond shameful embarrassment to even think about doing, so it just isn’t possible to actually get it done.

But, ON THE UP SIDE OF LIFE! I read another blog post about visiting blogs that cater to books. Especially books in your genre. People who love to read and then blog about what they’ve read. The post suggested visiting these people and asking them to read your work (for free, of course – and, this is where that COUPON thing comes in handy). Some of the book lover pages I visited actually have a tab you click on for this specific purpose. You fill out the form with your information, the book title, its content, etc. and then wait. If they like it, they’ll let you know, or they’ll feature it on their blog.

This, to me, is way cool. Now THAT I could do … if I had a better, more wow! cover to present with my work.

NO WORRIES! Not upset, not complaining … I’m not.

Hey, one last thing before I honest, truly, seriously open my Word file and get back to my own story … I stopped using the ! mark (esp. in comments) because of its over-use, abuse (Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) type thing, and today on the news it was reported that NOT using ! in your comments makes you a hateful bitch prude.

Ha Ha HA Ha Ha HA Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m not. I’m not a hateful, bitch, prude, I swear. I thought I was being considerate and nice and … mature. I’ll remember to use a few !!! when I comment on your posts, I promise.



About RaineBalkera

Aspiring Author of Romance
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7 Responses to Letting Go

  1. Jules says:

    Ok, so, I’m waaaaaaaaay behind on my blog reading, I’ve barely written my own name in the last several days, but I just wanted to poke my head in and say hi. 🙂

    I don’t even really have time to read this post right now, but I will try to sneak in an hour or two of “catch-up time” this weekend, if I can. Right now, I am in the midst of trying to get our house ready for the market so I can get it sold and get on with my life. Just crazy, crazy stuff. 😛 And I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.

    But the divorce should be final by the end of June. Thank God. I’m so ready to be done with this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • RaiBal says:

      Hi there, Jules! Thanks for stopping by, and don’t worry about trying to manage your time with the irrelevant stuff of life. Take care of you first, especially at such a bad time in your life as this. I can sympathize, but it’s great to get a sense of your resilience in the face of such adversity. I failed miserably in that regard, and 14 years later, I’m still trying to recover. Relax and don’t worry about silly ol me. I’ll be here when you need me, and I look forward to hearing from you again, too.


  2. RaiBal says:

    Hi there, Jules! Thanks for stopping by, and don’t worry about trying to manage your time with the irrelevant stuff of life. Take care of you first, especially at such a bad time in your life as this. I can sympathize, but it’s great to get a sense of your resilience in the face of such adversity. I failed miserably in that regard, and 14 years later, I’m still trying to recover. Relax and don’t worry about silly ol me. I’ll be here when you need me, and I look forward to hearing from you again, too.


  3. wscottling says:

    That’s a weird thing about the exclamation point. I don’t think its absence makes anyone a hateful bitch at all. I hope you’re feeling better now (and moods of any kind aren’t anything to be ashamed of at all. It’s not like we can control our moods, right? But damn, if they aren’t disruptful…).

    Liked by 1 person

    • RaiBal says:

      Isn’t it? The news story made me laugh. But, yes. It said that if you don’t use them in your comments, that people will think you’re snobbish and rude. And, I was in a terrific mood this morning – before I read the Writing 101 prompt 😦 My moods vary anyway, and I don’t usually write when I’m down. Yesterday was a mistake, and today was forced on me. It isn’t looking good for me, I know. Time to regroup and get back on track with writing MY way 😀 Thanks, again, for stopping by!


      • wscottling says:

        I haven’t had a chance to read everyone’s blog, so I didn’t read your yesterday’s writing. I’m rushed with getting things done for my yard sale this weekend. Busy busy busy. But I will say this, writing in any mood can be cathartic so I wouldn’t say it’s a mistake. If other people don’t like it well… that’s their problem.

        Liked by 1 person

        • RaiBal says:

          Thank you for being so understanding. I still don’t like it, though, writing personal woes and angst stuff that is mine and mine alone. Hey, good luck with the yard sale! tag sale! garage sale! (depends on the part of the country you hail from, right?) Sell it all and make some $ ! Oh, and don’t apologize for reading, not reading. I understand how that goes. Some days are better than others for me, too. When I get the chance to browse, I usually end up on one persons blog for … a few hours (LOL). I love hearing what you guys have to say. It’s as helpful to my own writing as it is to read books.


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