Lots n Lots

Futures Past

As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?

First, I wanted to marry my Papa when I grew up, and then I wanted to be an artist so I could color all the time.

Those two weren’t going to pan out, so I thought being in a Symphonic Orchestra might be great. I took up the flute. Seventh through twelfth grades, I never made first chair. People said if you weren’t top-notch that you weren’t going to cut it in the real world of orchestra – and I believed them.

In-between wanting to play in an orchestra, I always entertained the idea of being a flight attendant. An easier way to travel than auditioning and then being turned down for various orchestra houses.

Once again, I let others decide things for me and never pursued that dream because of what they said about things like height and looks requirements – which at that time had the potential to crush my fragile ego to bits and make me want to kill myself. (I was vain once)

Maybe a cruise ship worker? But, as what? A maid? No thanks. I can’t even keep my own room tidy.

After high school, and with these dreams already fading memories, I entered college as an undeclared. I had no desire to be there, or what I would study seriously and then work at until retirement. Toward the end of my second YEAR, a sweet girl asked a surprisingly simple question: What is it you like doing most?

Seriously, it was one of the first light bulb moments I experienced. They’re always soon followed by copious amounts of embarrassment, too. “Duh, gee, um, why didn’t I think of that?” (in as dorky a voice as you like to fake)

So, WRITING hit me like cold water in the face and I signed up for all these wonderful classes meant to steer me in the right direction. However, the one thing holding me back, and why I had no interest in higher learning, was math. I wasn’t able to pass algebra to obtain a degree.

I began to realize that God gave so many other people natural abilities, or talent, that led them rather easily through to their career goals. And, yes, some had to work a bit harder to obtain those goals, I know. Still, I’m not gifted with talent. I’m just a person.

I stumbled into teaching after my divorce, and it wasn’t anything note-worthy. The church’s tiny school needed a parishioner for their kindergarten program and I was desperate to keep from ending up in a homeless shelter, so I volunteered. Eight years later, seven of which I spent teaching third grade, the school folded due to varying circumstances.

I went back to college thinking I might just be smart enough now to beat this algebraic mental block, but no such luck. The more I studied, the worse it got until I was ‘asked’ to drop and avoid an F. So, I did. I don’t have any money to go back now and get the degree, either. The degree is not within my reach anyhow, so it’s not a big deal for me.

I give up.

So, here I am today, aspiring to be a writer again. Not world-class, super-author anything, but just a writer who would like to sell anything for at least .99c but not free. Free is what I’m living on right now, and it’s not cutting it.

About RaineBalkera

Aspiring Author of Romance
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5 Responses to Lots n Lots

  1. Pingback: Daily Prompt: Futures Past, a Bird, Orchids and a few childish dreams – and my dad | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

  2. Pingback: What I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up And What I Am Now | The Political and Social Chaos Blog

  3. Pingback: The Impossible Dream | lynnesartandsoul

  4. Pingback: Flash Fiction / Short Story – “A Family of Marionettes” | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

  5. Pingback: Older, and dafter too! | Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me

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